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“Love is unisex”

Teasing fragment from “Adverbs of Love”

sadness

“In a city in which the ghost of communism is still hunting the political and social environment even after 25 years of democracy, civilization is hard to implement and even harder to maintain as a part of the civic system. Also, an important part of civilization is acceptance of change and receptivity towards development steps that need to be taken in order to evolve not only as individuals but as a society. Humans are only that: humans. All the same and all different simultaneously, which makes us all part of the same team, regardless to our preferences. People always try to be part of uniform groups that believe in the same ideas and values. Groups that follow the same principles and apply the same concepts. Whatever is different is questionable and therefor it lacks social legitimacy. And maybe it would not be so normal to be like that. Maybe being all the same shouldn’t be a goal. Just maybe, we managed to live for millenniums exactly because we are different, as much as we are all the same. The paradox of human nature! And what happens when some of us disagree with the rest of us? They become minorities, some accepted, some not. However, regardless to the level of acceptance, which depends on the country and society we are referring to, all minorities are more or less isolated by the rest of the community and they have to create a system of their own. Not as powerful as the uniform system, but still a system that works for them and more important, that makes them feel comfortable inside it. And that is when disorder begins. That is when we fail being part of the same team and we become enemies in our own home which is our planet. When people start fighting for acceptance, in order to prove they are just as legit as the rest of the crowd who rejected them, things get out of hand.

All these thoughts were hunting Christine’s mind as two women stepped in the coffee shop, holding hands. Everyone stared at them for a second, even herself, in the effort to assume they are just two good friends coming to have some fresh hot coffee. One of them was actually very beautiful. Her long curly brown hair was falling down her fancy sweater almost reaching her waist and her high heels made a nice sound like a musical rhythm as she was walking toward the table they picked. The other girl was not as beautiful, mainly because she had something masculine in her. Maybe the short black hair and the straight jeans that were not showing much of her feminine forms were guilty for that first impression. On top she was wearing an XL shirt and her face was natural, with no makeup, which was creating a visible contrast with her fancy companion. As soon as they occupied their table, they waved toward Christine to get their order, even if none of them had opened the menus.

“Two Cosmopolitan cocktails and a strong coffee, isn’t that what you wanted, honey?” said the beautiful girl as she was looking at her companion. After they both agreed that is the final order, Christine went to prepare it, looking at them from time to time just to notice if her assumptions were right. And they were. Soon after she left their table, the two girls started kissing and whispering sweet love words to each other, attracting even more the eyes of other customers. Some of them started gossiping about how inappropriate their behavior was. But if they were a straight couple, probably there would not even be a glance in their direction.

“Ew! Are those lesbians?” said Ann as she was approaching her friend who looked busy behind the bar.

“Yes, Ann, and I don’t understand your reaction, really! Try to behave, will you?” said Christine almost upset.

“But they definitely don’t try to behave at all. What kind of person is exposing themselves like this in a public place? Maybe there are children here and …”

“They are just kissing, for God’s sake!” snapped Christine at her friend’s ignorance.

“Speaking of God, they are two women. I believe God might have a problem with that. He set up the hormones differently.”

“Ann, you were born after ’89, weren’t you? Cut off that communist way of thinking! Try to look at them and see deeper than two women kissing!”

“Not sure I want that” said Ann with the same disgusted expression on her face. “Don’t get me wrong, you are a pretty girl as well, Christine, but I still need a man”

“There are not just two girls kissing. There are two human beings in love. Love is unisex, or it should be! Is a feeling, do you want to discuss feeling’s sexuality, assuming our feelings have such thing?”

“I don’t think they do. But that sets a bad example, look at them! And the woman with short hair is dressed like a man. What is the point in being a lesbian if you are dressed like a man? Lesbians should like girls, not girls dressed like men!” said Ann entertaining the debate she had with Christine as she was getting the order ready for the controversial couple.

“I think you are digging too deep now and totally in the wrong direction. They make a lovely couple. And if I saw two men kissing, I would think the same. And since you mentioned God, I believe He would agree with that.”

Ann kept staring at the girls, in an impolite way, and the only time she would get her eyes off them was when Christine was giving her a hard kick with her elbow, sign that she becomes rude and it is not alright to judge people in such an obvious way.

“You know what I don’t get? Beside the biological issue, because it is against nature and you can’t argue that, the Bible also condemns that sort of behavior and they don’t seem to care for any of that. Or for people like me staring at them, for that matter.”

“Oh yes, I can argue it. Who says it is against nature? And against God? As for the people staring at them, they actually really shouldn’t care for. All that those people do, including yourself, is embarrassing themselves and that is it. Look at you, dating a married man and sleeping with him behind his wife’s back! How do you call that? Natural behavior?!” asked Christine as she was getting even more disturbed by her friend’s way of thinking. Ann remained silent a few seconds before answering that, like she just realized she wasn’t such a “church door” how Romanians say about people that think they are doing everything by the Bible. After all, Christine was right. In some aspects, sleeping with a married man, disrespecting a vow two people made in front of God, was worse than two free women kissing and obviously in love with each other. Those two girls had commitment, something her own relationship was missing from its very beginning. And realizing that hurt her, but sometimes truth does that. It hurts people. And most of the times it can’t be handled which is why it is not spoken out loud, like Christine just did.

“Can you let me bring them the order?” said Ann without answering her question. After all, for Christine even that was an answer itself. A sign of acceptance and inner peace. She was almost sorry for the brutal way she made Ann admit that there are worse things straight people do, than gay ones might do. And no one is judging them. She gave Ann the tray and watched her going toward the table, smiling and wishing the lovely couple to enjoy their cocktails and coffee, also assuring them that she was there in case they needed something else.

“That is how it should be”, thought Christine. We should all accept each other and work together as a team. We fight so much to be the same when we actually are and don’t even know it. Straight or gay, poor or rich, healthy or sick, young or old, we are creations of the same God, with the purpose to “live happily ever after”, just like in fairy tales. As a matter of fact that is the only truth that fairy tales teach us: we should live happily ever after and if we don’t, that is just to be blamed on our inner conflicts, that don’t matter anyway.”

http://www.amazon.com/Irina-Maria-Tracy/e/B00SJQ019C/ref=dp_byline_cont_book_1

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“Life is what happens when you’re too busy doing someone else”

Fragment of the book “Adverbs of Love” :stock-vector-silhouette-of-a-couple-sitting-and-talking-at-cafe-vector-images-scale-to-any-size-23423248

“When days go by looking all the same, one can’t stop but wonder if all this time is worth it. Probably it’s not. Most of the people wouldn’t need decades of repetitive actions on this planet, and also they wouldn’t need to make it to work every morning if there wasn’t for financial obligations that they have to take care of. And Christine was hating the thought of being one of them. One of the crowd. A very uniform, irrelevant but representative, crowd. One that no one chooses to be part of but some do choose to not be part of. One that is formed of human robots, doing the same things over and over again, with the hope that one day, their life will make sense at least to them if not to someone else. Maybe one day they will make a difference, their shadow left on Earth will count. Maybe. Maybe not. However, it seemed to be worth the try. Or the waste of time and energy spent every day with no special purpose. And after all, she was nothing more than one of the crowd and she had to admit it as much as she was fighting the obvious.

She used to think that being a waitress wasn’t such a dull job, and having no friends beside Ann, considering the coordinates of friendship in nowadays societies, wasn’t such a hard loneliness to deal with. Not having a man wasn’t too dramatic either, since she never needed one but from time to time she wanted one. It seems to be fun and convenient having one of those around the house, to say the least. All these aspects of her life were aspects she could deal with, almost every day, except the rainy ones. Rain was always making her cry like a reaction to the drops falling from the sky. Whenever the clouds were announcing a new rain coming around, she would feel abused and fragile. Abused by her own life, so common on the outside but so different from others on the inside. So, yes…rain was not working in her favor.

One rainy day, as every other day, caught her at the coffee shop, taking care of her regular customers and welcoming the new ones, a lot more than in any other sunny days, since rain tends to make people hide in comfortable, cozy places like the bar she was working at.

Her favorite couple stepped in and picked the same table they would always reserve one day before they were planning to come by. This young couple was filling her of joy and hope every time she would see them enjoying their coffee and conversations. He was a nice man, however looking like sort of a nerd, with big black glasses and short black hair and always wearing jeans and a shirt tucked well inside them. She was probably a student still, with long natural blonde hair, tied most of the time in a nice pony tail, revealing her beautiful face with no makeup whatsoever. She didn’t need it anyway since she was a very pretty young lady, always wearing outfits that matched. That day she was wearing a nice dark blue dress, covering her knees and a pair of black shoes with moderate heels. He ordered like always for both of them, two cups of hot white chocolate. Very few people bothered to try the white chocolate nowadays, which made Christine like them even more. They didn’t seem to care for anyone else but themselves and as average as they were looking together, she knew there has to be something special going on between them. Something that the crowd, wouldn’t be able to see or understand.

“I think the ring you wear today fits perfectly the color of your blue eyes, look at the diamond! It looks like it was made especially for you” said the man as Christine was just bringing them the cups of chocolate. She glanced politely at the girl’s ring and noticed it was just a metal band, made of no gold or silver or anything like that, with a blue rock, also with no financial value. She smiled and left to wipe the tables around them, somehow hoping she would catch some more of their conversation, which happened.

“I feel you are with me every time I look at it” said the girl smiling back at him, enjoying every essence of his presence like they were alone in the place and everything around them was just background.

“Must be peaceful”, thought Christine as she was putting clean ashtrays on the tables around them.

“You know, love, I think we need a new place to stay at. I am so bored of that little apartment and no matter how we move the furniture it stays the same. That building is boring all together, actually!” said the girl playing with his hands on the table, looking all of a sudden unsatisfied.

“It is our house, Lora. We just moved in last year and we can’t change houses every year. First because we don’t afford it and second because it is just a house, it looks the same yes, but it is our house. I am sure painting the walls might do it. I would change that yellow color as well, it starts to become an anxiety source for both of us from what I see” As she was listening to him, her eyes went down, starting to contemplate her shiny shoes and ignoring his hand that only a few seconds ago was so cherished.

Christine couldn’t hear nothing else as she had to take care of other customers, not so interesting and admired but still customers that needed their drinks served. Before she knew it, time flew and when she glanced again at their table she saw the check left on it with a small tip on top and no sign of them. Disappointed, she went to pick up the check, thinking how peacefully their life probably was if their only problem was a boring house. Or was it more? She might never know. Keeping track of a customer’s life is a gambling game. She never knew if they will ever be back or if her assumptions were right. But she was happy to have a living example of love, materialized in a normal, cute and happy couple. After all it could be done. Later that day, the same man who was inspiring her in matters of love, came in the coffee shop, alone, with no natural blond girl holding his hand. He ordered Jack and Coke and kept that going until the third round, when Christine decided it is time to step in and say something about whatever occurred earlier that day. After all, what would his girlfriend say if he would go home so intoxicated at such a late hour? And she was determined not to let their story come to an end because of Jack and Coke.

“Hello, can I bring you the check? It’s getting late…”

“Oh, hi! No but you can bring me another drink if you are so nice” said the man with a forced smile on his face. It was the saddest smile Christine had seen in a while so before she followed the order, she sat down and looked at him like she was trying to investigate his state of mind and feelings.

“She left me!” said the man as he was holding a ring in his hand, the same ring Lara was wearing earlier that day.

“What? Why?”

“We got home and she continued to complain about the apartment, the furniture, the curtains, for hours and hours until she finally admitted it: it was not the apartment, it was me! She was bored of me. Of being with me.”

“But you were so much in love, I can tell. I have been bringing you your hot chocolate for months now. I never saw such a happy couple coming in here and trust me, they are plenty stopping by. We make good coffee, too” said Christine trying to cheer him up even if she knew that might be a hard mission to complete.

“She left me because I was loving her so much…I am Kevin, by the way, sorry to not have introduced myself earlier. My manners seem to be gone as well”

“Nice to meet you, Kevin, I am Christine and don’t worry, Christine doesn’t care about manners too much. No woman leaves a man because too much love, that I am telling you.”

“Yes, they do. Mine did. Love is boring, I guess. Women like drama and if no one else creates it around them, they make one up. They start digging deep into their souls and come up with the most complicated, developed sort of drama that would beat even a Hollywood movie. I am sorry, I shouldn’t generalize. But that I noticed” His eyes were getting watery and Christine could see pain transforming into tears right in front of her. This man was breaking down and she left because she was bored. Because he didn’t play her like other men would do, keeping things interesting. He didn’t lie to her, he didn’t let her guess his feelings and he didn’t cheat on her. He did it all right and it ended with several glasses of Jack and Coke.

“I never thought of love as being boring” said Christine like she was talking to herself, somehow feeling guilty for not assuming the real reason of all this. It didn’t even cross her mind that a man who is so caring, loving and attentive, might be left alone especially because all these qualities.

“Kevin, never change!” was all Christine could say and as she was planning to leave the whole situation with that short verdict, Kevin looked at her and asked, more whispering than talking:

“I lived through her, Christine… it is so hard to live through someone and then have no one to live through. Maybe that is not what love does, maybe I did it all wrong…it’s not her. It’s me!” with these words, Kevin took his glasses off and remained silent, watching them like he just discovered them on his face and didn’t understand the purpose they had or why were they there.

He was lost. For him, loving her was not just a feeling. Was a lifestyle. A goal in life. He canceled his dreams, he canceled himself, for her. Christine started thinking of all the clichés about who gives more and who takes more in a relationship, about the balance and the compromises that seemed to be necessary for a “happily ever after” kind of ending. About the split dreams and the shared ones. But none of them fit this case scenario. Was it giving away himself, the way to love? Was that the ultimate way of this divine feeling or was just a terrible mistake that a weak man did? Maybe what seemed to be a sublime, unconditional love, was actually not love at all. That was when Christine realized, that he had nothing before Lara and he has nothing now, after she is gone. He was empty and filled himself with her power, he filled his emptiness with his love for her. A love he projected in a woman that managed, maybe without her will, to give meaning to his life. She was his life saver in a deep, dark ocean, and he grabbed her and put his life in her hands. As soon as she realized that, she left. Too much dependency. Too much responsibility. Too much commitment on his part. But not too much love.

“Kevin, we don’t find ourselves in those we love. We love them after we love ourselves first. After we know who we are and why are we here. You didn’t love her too much. You just didn’t love her. You thought by making yourself dependent on her you were also in love but attachment, or at least this kind of attachment, is not love. Kevin took his eyes off his glasses and listened to Christine like he was trying to understand every word she says. All he was hearing were new things he never considered before and never acknowledged them.

“You must build the relationship with yourself more than any other relationship. When you will be full inside, when your heart will beat because of love, not the love for a woman but the love we all have to build and maintain inside us, then you will have what to share with others, including with your significant other. Because love is not to be given away like that, it has to be shared. And you can’t share what you don’t have, can you?”

He couldn’t respond to that more than with a whispered “Thank you”. Christine took his hands and gently took his ring out of them, as he was staring at it trying to accept the mistake was over with. It was not her. It was him.

Get the whole book at: http://www.amazon.com/Irina-Maria-Tracy/e/B00SJQ019C/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1424169397&sr=1-1

That would be me :)

You can call me obsolete, because I still love radio theater when there are movies like Avatar…dscn7665

You can condemn me for loving the smell of old books that I can only find in big libraries…

You can say I am boring for listening to Mozart … or for feeling happy when I listen to Bach even if everyone thinks his music is sad…

You can call me crazy when I agree with Nietzsche because I also think “God died!”

You can say I am just as abstract as Christine Angot is in her books…but I am more than that.

You can accuse me for being immature because I still enjoy “Beauty and the Beast” or “Anastasia”

You can call me insane because I believe in spirits, death, ghosts…and I believe we create our own hell or heaven….if you would only know…

You can even say I am insensitive because I don’t care about your idea of love…as you have no idea what love means.

You can say that I am arrogant because I condemn without mercy whatever I consider to be stupid…

You can say I am ugly because I don’t spend my free time in beauty shops or buying expensive clothes just to be “cool” in the eyes of every ignorant person I might meet

You can say I am a lonely person because once in a while I throw my phone away and just lock myself in my room, listening to my music and reading my books….careless for anything else.

You can call me a bitch because I kick people out of my life in a second if they walked over my pride …as all my pride is all I have.

You can say I am a stupid dreamer for giving all my heart just once in a lifetime, and taking all the risks for that…yes I know it might kill me but it seems like a good way to go…

You can believe I am vulnerable … but that would be your biggest mistake 😐

You can call me insane because I would give all I have for just 1 hour on another galaxy.

And you know what? You can say everything you want, as long as you will never understand that there is more to life than money, sex, greed….as you will never know how it feels like to stand in front of a huge library and feel so small…as you will never feel how is like to be capable to give your life away for the one you love…as you will never ever look to the stars feeling frustrated cause you will never reach them. I’ll be nothing like Joseph K. was in “The Trial” as I will never chase your reasons, accusations or judgements…as I raise more questions in your mind than a Kafka’s character.

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